August 11, 2015
By Marianne D.
Magic enters our life the moment we meet that special person. It is as if that person is the angel who will make all our dreams come true. And, for the longest time they remain magical and angelic, until we give them our hearts. At that moment, we begin watching our dreams turn into nightmares.
Let’s be real; the signs were there from the very beginning and we either ignore them or we are too in love to see “the truth”.
We continue dreaming and hoping that one day they will change. Even though, they are no longer whom we fell in love with, we still continue loving them more and more each day. We hope that our love will transform them back to the angel we first met.
So, I began doing what others’ suggested as the solution. I started cooking more of his favorite meals. I started cleaning and decorating to make the house look more beautiful. I stopped talking, so that I would not upset him. I only let my pillow see my tears and put on a fake smile to brighten his day.
“Did he ever hit you?” Is the question I am still being asked. “No”, is my answer and everyone automatically reaches the same conclusion. Then, what’s your problem, they say; it’s not domestic violence; it’s not abuse.
When the director of the local domestic violence shelter told me: “You need to stay here. We have a room for you”, all I said was: “But, he never hit me.” I will never forget her words: “It would have been better if he had hit you, because bruises heal with time. But, what he’s done to you, will take a very long time to heal!”
I was in shock. Who, me? I am in a domestic violence situation? That’s not possible! I know better! I was a domestic violence counselor for the YWCA. It is just NOT possible!!!
He’s an angel.
He’s just hurting.
He didn’t mean it.
It is my fault.
If only I would…
I reached the point that I had run out of all suggested solutions. I was even told to read the Bible every morning by his side of the bed. And, I even did that too.
I could hear the voices in my head:
“I am just not good enough.”
“I just don’t pray hard enough.”
“If only I tried harder…”
Then he would stop snapping at me for every little thing. He would stop cursing me out and calling me names. He would stop blaming me for everything.
So, I thought if I loved him more, he would stop the suicide threats:
“I’ll take a gun and put it in my mouth and blow out my brains.”
My heart aches just writing this sentence; I remember the fear and the terror and my body going numb, and I even feel the exact same chills right now.
Every time he would fight with his father at the restaurant, which was almost on a daily basis, he would come home and take it out on me.
Now I know that I disconnected myself from reality to survive this on a daily basis.
I lost my sense of self.
I lost my sense of reality.
I lost my sense of safety.
I lost the happy person I used to be and I even forgot how to smile.
But still, he remained an angel outside the house, so no one else but me would ever see that side of him. Of course, everyone blamed me for all of it and for making all of it up.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Are you being told it is all in your head just like I was?
Well, guess what? None of it is in your head.
Did he all of a sudden bring you flowers? Did he bring home your favorite dessert? Did he all of a sudden become super nice? And did all of it last less than a couple hours, or at the most, a day?
I do not need to tell you what the director of the shelter told me, because you already know it. I know. It hurts!
But, it is time. Are you ready? Yes, right now, this minute, this second, you are as ready as you will ever be.
You need to face the truth, no matter how difficult it is. You can stay and die a slow death, or you can choose to live your life in peace.
If you do not do it for yourself, do it for your children, your parents, your friends, God, the Universe and all those who truly love you and care about you. Yes, I know he still says that he loves you, he will change, he will get better, he will…
No more lies! Face the truth! You can live without him! Yes, you can!
Congratulations! That is your first step. Believing in you!
I will not lie to you. It is not going to be easy. But, it is so much easier from living in fear and terror and walking on egg shells every single day.
If I can do it,
We are here to help!!!